Sometimes it’s Okay Not to Feel Okay.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the following scenario.

You encounter over a dozen strangers and acquaintances on any given day. They casually ask how you are doing. You offer the generic reply, “I’m okay.” You say it because that is what’s expected. It is the socially acceptable response in that situation. You don’t particularly care to get into the nitty gritty details of your day, nor does the other person probably want to delve into all of the crap you currently have going on in your life. You say that you’re fine because it’s the polite thing to say. You say you’re all right so that you both can move on with your respective days.

In actuality, you might not feel okay. The truth is, you’re not going to feel fantastic every single minute of every single day…and here’s a shocker: THAT’S OKAY. Now, I’m not suggesting we necessarily need to overshare our thoughts and feelings when greeted by someone. Sometimes we just want to keep our crap to ourselves. You know what? That’s okay too. However, we feel the constant pressure to forever maintain a positive attitude, and are made to feel guilty if we don’t. Society relentlessly tells us to be happier, shinier people. Feel-good expressions, such as “POSITIVE VIBES,” are plastered across social media, like 90’s boyband posters across a preteen girl’s bedroom walls. I’ll admit; sometimes even I buy into the hype.

Self-procaimed self-help gurus advise you to repeat affirmations to yourself. You stand in front of a mirror, chanting approximately 172 times that you are beautiful, life is beautiful, everything is sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. You will yourself to believe it. You hope that if you believe it enough, it will become true. Of course, there is something to be said about positive thinking. Yes, you want to be healthy in body and mind. Absolutely, self love is important. Obviously, the ability to love your life is a wonderful thing.

Here’s my question: why are we told to “think positive” even when shit is hitting the proverbial fan? Why isn’t it okay for us to feel less than great about everything? Don’t get me wrong; I’m not implying we should all just be a bunch of self-deprecating, miserable, Debbie Downers. I’m just saying that sometimes it might be okay to not force yourself to find some bright side in a dismal situation. Maybe, just maybe, it could be healthier and more realistic to acknowledge when things aren’t as good as they could be. The ability to acknowledge imperfections and unsatisfactory situations is what drives us to improve ourselves. This is what keeps us grounded in reality and makes us want to achieve more in life.

To simply tell others to just have a more positive outlook, even when they might be going through some serious shit, is to trivialize their struggles. It invalidates their feelings and tells them to sweep their problems under the rug. “Ignore it, and it will go away.” Instead, shouldn’t we accept and even embrace the whole scope of emotions that come with being a living, breathing person? Shouldn’t we encourage what it means to be human, rather than tell each other that there is only one acceptable way to feel? Sure, not all feelings are pleasant, but they’re natural. They’re NORMAL.

On that note, offering unsolicited, albeit well-intentioned, advice might not be helpful either. If you see a person who is upset, you might feel inclined to tell them to smile or cheer up. Although the sentiment is nice and the advice itself is fairly innocuous, it still isn’t something that is going to necessarily help the situation. If someone comes to you with a problem, LISTEN to them. Offer advice if asked. Don’t assume the solution will be a simple fix that requires little more than happy thoughts. Don’t demand anyone to turn their frown upside down or to look on the bright side. The objective here is NOT to be pushy or patronizing. If you feel compelled to say something, simply asking if they’re all right may just be the better option. Respect their feelings. Don’t invalidate them.

Just to clarify, I know that sometimes there really is such a thing as being too negative about something, and sometimes you need to motivate yourself. I personally get that way sometimes. However, I also struggle with clinical depression. Sometimes when I’m being pessimistic, it’s due to my chemical imbalance. Sometimes, though, I really am just a pessimist. Still, most of the time I have my reasons. Whether someone is going through a temporary difficult stage in their life or suffers from a mood disorder, we shouldn’t be so quick to brush them and their feelings off. There are real problems that need to be dealt with, not ignored. How about we provide an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and show some compassion? Why don’t we offer to actually help, if it is within our means? Wouldn’t that be more reasonable than to tell someone to just be a more positive person? “Just repeat affirmations until you’re blue in the face and can finally pretend everything is perfectly awesome.” We need to stop pretending. We need to remind each other that sometimes feeling less than spectacular is normal. We need to remind ourselves that sometimes it’s okay not to feel okay.